Things We Dive Into In This Episode:
How to resist urges to go back to dieting and the diet-mentality
Our initial impressions of the intuitive eating framework
Dealing with being one of the few people who does not diet
šResources
ā Learn more about ā Intuitive Eating
šEpisode Highlights
When you were transitioning out of the dieting mentality, what was helpful when you felt urges to go back to dieting?
Lean into the experimentation and trial & error of adopting a new way of being.
Trying different compositions of your plate, different amounts of food, and different meal times can be exciting if you want it to be.
When you focus on the positives, can really let go of those urges or even allow them to pass a bit more effortlessly.
Don't be afraid to prioritize yourself and your health.
Continually connect to yourself, your wants, your needs, your values, your hunger and fullness cues, rather than focusing on making other people comfortable.
There's nothing wrong with being "selfish" with your health and only focusing on yourself through this transition.
Fake it til you make it!
Pretend that not dieting anymore is easy and second nature, and eventually you will truly feel that way.
The more you normalize not dieting, the less you'll have to fight to feel like it's your norm.
Eat more solo meals.
Train yourself to not diet in a solo environment if it's too difficult to share meals with others at this time.
Seek out and surround yourself with supportive people and counselors.
This can also include body positive fitness environments, resources, podcasts, workshops, group support, etc.
How do you deal with comments about dieting, other people bashing their bodies, and body acceptance going out the window with the emergence of weight loss drugs?
Remind yourself that social media is not real and celebrities are not normal people!
Social media sugarcoats reality and is filled with ultra-filtered, face-tuned content.
Celebrities have unlimited resources for personal trainers, private chefs, plastic surgery, etc. When they say they are all natural, think twice before believing that!
Comparison is damaging, but especially when comparing to social media and celebrities.
Recognize that you might be the first person in your family lineage breaking free from the diet-mentality.
It is difficult to break away from society norms, so have compassion for yourself for doing the hard thing and have compassion for those who aren't brave enough to do the same.
People are victim of their circumstances and they may not have had anyone ever tell them that it was an option to not pursue weight loss, that it was an option to not keep trying rigid diet after rigid diet.
Process anger and sadness about the fact that a lot of people are not courageous enough to break away from dieting.
It's okay to be angry and/or sad when people make comments to you or about themselves.
If anyone judges you for not dieting, that is a poor reflection on them, not you!
Shower people with love that has nothing to do with their bodies.
Build people up without commenting on their bodies, because their bodies are the least interesting thing about them.
Lead by example.
When you don't talk about dieting and don't bash your body to others, they will notice that and likely find it inspiring.
This also allows you to continue to prioritize yourself through this journey.
Remember how much headspace is freed up when you don't have to think about dieting anymore!!
Thanks for listening! š Stay tuned to my website for more episode updates and other exciting programs and resources.
Transcript
Caitie: The less I worry about my body being a certain shape and size, the stronger my body becomes. The better my digestion is, the easier I'm able to truly take care of myself. And the more head space I have and the more, I have more energy and I have more creativity when I let go of the pursuit of a certain weight, a certain shape, a certain size and I am so passionate about inviting women to join me in this pursuit of health rather than the pursuit of a certain body shape or size.Ā
And I'm feeling especially fired up about this today on Friday, October 18th, 2024, because I feel like we're in an era of body acceptance kind of dying. It's kind of dying as quickly as it came on. Body positivity is kind of being washed out as quickly as it became trendy. And Ozempic is on the scene and people are starting to become obsessed with pursuing a certain shape and size again in a way that I feel kind of faded for a while.Ā
And so on today's episode, I am going to talk to you along with the most special of special guests about staying the path of true wellness, staying the path of taking care of your body and your mind and your soul without obsessing about being a certain shape or size so that you can truly feel your best.
Welcome to another episode of Whole, Full, & Alive, the podcast helping you feed yourself, feel yourself and be yourself. I'm coming at you with another raw, unedited episode. My New Jersey accent just came out a lot when I said raw. And on today's episode, we are going to talk about exactly what I just said. And I'm going to be joined by my very, very, very best friend, Nicole Garfunkel. She is also the director of operations at my business, Full Soul Nutrition, and she is also someone who isn't on a fucking diet.Ā
And we are gonna talk about what it is like to be the two friends in the room who are not dieting, because that happens to us a lot. It happens a lot that we're in a room of people who are obsessed with these kitschy things like clean eating and strength, length and tone and what have you. And we kind of just feel like, is this thing on? So today we're making sure that we talk on a microphone that is on and we are gonna help you if you've been in this situation before where you feel like you've been in the room as like the only non-dieter. So Nicole, welcome. Thanks for being here.
Nicole: Thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to talk about this. I feel like it's very, very, important.
Caitie: So before we get started, before we pop off, let's take a deep breath together with everyone who is listening. So wherever you're tuning in from, join us in taking the deepest breath you've taken all day because Lord knows Nicole and I are about to get fired up. So before we do, let's ground ourselves. Inhale through your nose and take a nice long exhale out your mouth.
Thanks so much for being here today. And the structure of this episode is that we are gonna answer two beautiful listener questions. And then we are gonna give you some tips about, yeah, how to stay the path of really working on your wellness rather than obsessing about your body in a world that is constantly encouraging you to obsess about your body.
Before we answer that first listener question, Nicole and I also want to remind you that we have a retreat coming up this New Year's in Portugal. If you are listening and resonating with what we're talking about today, please check out the link in the show notes that will tell you all about the retreat that we are co-hosting in Portugal. This is going to be a space where you can really work on your real, real wellness and feel supported and seen and safe with a community of people who are also working on their real, real wellness. Nicole, anything to say about the retreat before we get started?
Nicole:I think for me when I was working through letting go of dieting and accepting my body, maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I think what was missing for me was support and community because it can be a very isolating experience to shed those things. So, if you feel like it's daunting to start working on your actual wellness versus what you look like, then yeah, I just also want to sincerely invite you to join us because we will be there for you as you go through this journey. You are not alone in that and we can support you in any way that you need. And this retreat is the best way to do that. yeah.
Caitie: Thank you. Thank you so much for saying that. Not jumping the gun at all, just creating a beautiful transition into this question. We'll actually do this one first. When you were transitioning out of the dieting mentality, what was helpful when you felt urges to go back to dieting? You just spoke a little bit about how support and like finding other people who were kind of on this path to was really helpful. is there anything else or do you want to speak more about that?
Nicole: I can speak to the urges to go back to dieting. I feel like there were, I mean, frankly, a lot of things that were helpful. And I think the thing with transitioning away from dieting is that, you know, there's a lot of experimentation and trial and error. So first of all, I think leaning into that as an exciting thing versus an overwhelming thing. Think of it as like a playful thing to, you know, try different compositions of your plate and different amounts of food, different meal times. Like this can be exciting if you want it to be. And when you focus on the positives, that's when I think you can really let go of those urges or even just like let them pass a little bit more effortlessly. So that was definitely important for me.Ā
I would also say just any sort of self care that helps you just connect back to yourself, who you are, what your values are also, like what your hunger and fullness cues are, because I think the thing with dieting is that there's a lot of noise. And when you're trying to break from that, people are trying to dissuade you to, or actually, sorry, to persuade you to go back to dieting. And when I was going through that process, I think I had to just constantly, constantly, constantly remind myself that eating enough was gonna help me. As long as you're able to stay connected with who you are, what your values are, and what your body is trying to tell you, I think just focusing on that and kind of being selfish in a way. I don't think this is really selfish, but being selfish in that you're so zeroed in on yourself as you're making this transition because there's so much outside noise. So do whatever you can to get rid of the outside noise.Ā
And the last thing I'll say is that I kind of had to fake it till I made it with this. And it kind of reminds me of people saying that in regards to confidence. Like you kind of have to fake being confident and then eventually you'll become confident. So I kind of just had to like quote unquote fake being okay with not dieting anymore until it became something that was second nature and comfortable for me.Ā
And one other thing too actually is that I felt like I kind of had to eat solo a little bit more for a bit. Just to again like that quote unquote selfish mentality is to just focus on what I wanted to eat and not worry about other people. I had to kind of train myself in a solo environment before eating with other people who are really focused on dieting.
Caitie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I love what you said about fake it till you make it because it reminds me of this quote I love. I don't know who originally said it, but I heard it from Hilary McBride. And it's, we don't think ourselves into new ways of being. We live our way into new ways of thinking, something like that. So yeah, it's like basically instead of like, waiting for your brain to change before you change your behavior, you change your behavior and then it changes your brain. And so if you know, like the whole like anti-diet, eat healthy mentality is making sense to you, but it's like you can't quite get it to be your automatic yet. Behave in the way you wish you were thinking rather than the way you are thinking.Ā
The other thing that I really liked from that share was this idea of selfish not always being a bad word. I think that's the bottom line is that we can actually acknowledge that sometimes when someone is being selfish, it's a bad thing. It's a morally wrong thing. And sometimes when someone's being selfish, it's a morally good and healthy and beneficial thing. It all depends on the context. And I think sometimes we're so quick to assume that selfishness or prioritizing of the self is bad, but prioritizing of the self is often the best thing for you. And ultimately for everyone around you, even if they can't see it at first, eventually everyone will forgive you for taking care of you. If they're meant to be in your life. I really love that.Ā
And my own answer to this question is definitely similar in that I think community was really, really important for me. Community is the busiest of buzzwords nowadays, but you can't, you can't underestimate how important it is to have other people who are on the same journey with you. So really trying to seek out different workshops and support groups and body positive fitness environments and things like that where you know people are kind of on the same page as you retreats. It's a really, really, really important step. And also listening to podcasts where I kind of just felt like the hosts were on the same vibe as me. Ironically, I know I'm speaking into a podcast microphone right now, so this is not self promo, but like really I think podcasts were very, very helpful, like actually invaluable. I'm pretty sure listening to Jessie Haggerty's podcast and Christie Harrison's podcast in like 2017, like really changed my entire brain. And I really feel like I've vibed with those two women so much in particular, and they really helped me along the way.Ā
But I will say that I've had so many urges to go back to the dieting mentality over the course of my life. And most of them happened in moments when I felt like I was losing control. I can remember very vividly one of my relapses into the eating disorder mentality or the dieting mentality happened when a four and a half year relationship I was in was like coming to a crumble. And I wanted nothing more than to have some sense of control when absolutely everything felt out of control. The person that I knew to be like my best friend and partner for four of the most formative years of my life was like making a very dramatic and betraying exit from my life. And I felt so out of control. I also had absolutely no money at the time because it was like my first year of grad school. I was living in my dad's basement in New Jersey. Like everything just felt terrible. Honestly, it was such a hard time for me.Ā
And I remember how tempting it felt. I just wanted something that was going to be clear cut and straightforward and predictable. And I was at a yoga studio and someone waved the paleo diet in my face. And I was like, really thinking about it so much so that I did it for like 48 hours. I like bought the like disgusting, like vegan cheese, the like follow your heart cheese that tastes like popcorn IMO. And it's supposed to be like mozzarella. I just can't, and you know, any other time that I've gotten a flare up of those more dieting thoughts, it really is because I just was feeling out of control. And so we need to find other ways to cope with feeling out of control.Ā
And I used to say, focus on what you can control. That used to be like my MO for like clients when I first started private practice. I used to be like, focus on the things that you can control. And now my new thing is we actually can't control anything at all. Life is like really beyond our control. The universe is beyond our control. The world is beyond our control. And so the best we can do is find grounding, supportive tools, resources, and people to help ourselves feel regulated amidst the lack of control. So that was really, really helpful for me.Ā
And I think the things that helped me make peace with not being in control are of course, eating enough and not being low blood sugar and walking around half hungry all day. And also journaling and also spiritual practices and finding spiritual teachers that I resonate with reading, inspiring books, listening to inspiring podcasts, spending time with people who make me laugh, finding little silly things like astrology and crystals and stuff like that. That just really comforted me. And, yeah, of course, just other humans and creative outlets as well, writing poetry, stuff like that. So yeah, that's, that's my answer to question one.Ā
And our next question is, I'm excited to hear Nicole's answer to this question. When you first heard about intuitive eating and body acceptance, did you think it was bullshit? How did you feel? And I'm particularly interested to hear Nicole's answer to this question, because I'm pretty positive I was the one who told her about intuitive eating and body acceptance. So I wonder how did you really feel when I told you about that in the year of our Lord 2017 or whatever it was.
Nicole: Okay, here's the tea. Just kidding, there's no tea. I mean, I think I felt like two very different things. So first of all, it felt like a relief because I feel like so many I've tried every single diet. I've talked about this on other episodes this podcast before, like genuinely every single diet. And all of them are so specific and restrictive to the point where it's all you can think about. And I just felt so consumed. So when I heard about intuitive eating, it felt like a relief in a lot of ways because yeah, you're just like the tagline, you know, is like you eat what you want, when you want. Like it just feels like exciting and like freedom in a lot of ways.Ā
But on the flip side, I think because the way my brain works, I'm a very logical person. I'm like, okay, cool, but like how? But how do I do that? How do I tangibly do that? So I think I was just a little worried about, you know, the things that people are often worried about with intuitive eating, like what if I eat too much? What if I go overboard? How am I gonna know when to stop? So yeah, I definitely felt both. But I guess the gist is it sounds great, but how?Ā
And like I was saying earlier, it just comes with a lot of experimentation. And I think as soon as I allowed myself to view that as a positive thing versus a scary thing, that's when I was very, very open to adopting intuitive eating. And of course, like I had Caitieās support through that and we were living together around that time. So was pretty easy, I think, to adopt it because I had a good example. So again, it just goes back to this major theme of community and people who have the same values as you, surrounding yourself with them, especially as you're moving through a change like this, because, you know, change is uncertain and scary no matter what change it is. So yeah, I've just found that really helpful as well.
Caitie: Yeah. Yeah. And how would you describe your relationship? I'm making a, I'm making this a two part question. How would you describe your relationship with food right now? Like day to day, like compare it to those days when you were like on the vegan diet and then next week you were on Jenny Craig and then the week after that you were on the paleo and then the week after that you were, don't even know, but yeah, what is it? What did it look like then, you know, quickly and then what does it look like now? to, I just think it's so important to illustrate for people that that transformation is possible. And obviously I share my own journey with this on this podcast a lot, but I'm a dietitian and I've studied intuitive eating and I trained under the creators of intuitive eating. And sometimes I'm like, well, maybe it comes off as easy for me to say, because I live and breathe this every day, but you're not, you're not a dietitian. So tell us about your experience.
Nicole: When I was dieting, I would say that I was just always hungry. Like I was just never satisfied. Like I could eat, I could like not eat for a while and then go on a binge and still not be satisfied. Like there was never any sort of satisfaction in my body. And I think that's why I thought during those times I felt so unhappy and like some of the worst times of my life, naturally.Ā
But now I mean, you with eating, have to do a lot of planning regardless, whether you're on a diet or whether you're not. But I think the difference with the way I'm planning now is that it's around, do I eat enough? Am I getting enough balance? And do I feel satisfied after? And what I know about myself is that, and most people, pretty much everyone really, is that if you don't eat enough and you're not satisfied, then you can't focus, you can't be yourself, you can't do the things you want to do, you can't travel, all of those things.Ā
For me now, although eating can be a pain still sometimes in terms of planning and cooking and whatnot, it's essential to my life. And I believe that wholeheartedly versus before it was like, I don't need this thing. This isn't going to help me. I need less, less, less. But it was consuming me in a negative way versus now, I wouldn't say it consumes me, but of course around a meal time that I'm like, you what are we gonna have? And then I have to think about it.
Caitie: It's important to you. It can be important to you without consuming you.
Nicole: Exactly, exactly. And I love food. Like I'm a big foodie, so I do think about it a lot. But the planning, just everything around it is more positive now, as opposed to before it was, food was just shamed. Like the less you have, the better. And now it's like the opposite for me. It's a positive part of my life.
Caitie: That's beautiful. And I think that the planning is something that trips a lot of people up when they first hear about intuitive eating. That's why they think it's BS because they're like, well, you have to plan and you have to like have balance. And it's like, of course you do. Intuitive eating isn't eat whatever the fuck you want. It's use a combination of your instincts, your emotions and rational thoughts to make decisions about food and don't limit yourself based on what you think might make you gain weight.
Intuitive eating is foundationally a rejection of the diet mentality, which is rejecting the idea that we should be making all of our food decisions based on what's gonna make us lose weight or gain weight. But it's also about planning. And the way that Evelyn Triboli and Elise Resch, the creators of intuitive eating define intuition isn't just fly by the seat of your pants. It's use your instincts. Like what is my body telling me your emotions? What are my emotions telling me? And rational thoughts like rational knowledge about nutrition. Okay. I need carbs, proteins, fats, and veggies. And you learn to seamlessly integrate those things. And it looks a little clunky at first. And if you're stuck in the dieting mentality for so long, that means that you've gotten used to only using your rational mind to eat. You're only using your brain to eat and you have to learn how to reincorporate your emotions and your instincts into your food decisions. And so that's why it feels like intuitive eating is all about eating whatever you want, but it's only because you're learning to bring the body and the soul back online after only using your mind to eat.Ā
I didn't get that when I first learned about intuitive eating. When I first heard about it, I thought it really was just like free fall, baby. And it does feel like a free fall when you start, especially if you're attached to the rules. And my own dieting behaviors and eating disorder came from a very obsessive compulsive-like place, like trying to source control in a life that I felt was very out of control. And so I, for me it really was about like loosening up these restrictions and it felt really, really scary and it felt like I was never going to be able to feel safe.Ā
I first heard about intuitive eating actually while I was doing a research paper for school, was, I got my undergrad degree in applied psychology and nutrition. So for my psych degree, I had to write like a final sort of like thesis paper, and I decided to write it about yoga and meditation for eating disorder treatment. Because I was in recovery from eating disorder at the time, and I also was loving up on yoga and meditation at the time. So I was looking for research that would support using mindfulness meditation for eating disorder recovery, and I stumbled upon the intuitive eating framework by way of the NYU library and was just like mind fucking blown and started researching it. And then I found Christie's podcast and then I got like really, really deep into it from there. And I would say that I didn't think like, this is bullshit. I just thought, whoa, this is scary. And at the same time, that same sense of relief that you're talking about, I felt that too.Ā
And I think that's how we can tell when it's our intuition versus our anxiety. I felt, you can tell if you're supposed to do a scary thing by also searching for if there's like an underlying sense of relief that might come along with doing it. So sometimes my clients will feel scared to do something and they'll be like, well, I feel scared to do this. My body's telling me not to do it. It must be the wrong thing. And it's like, no, you might just feel scared because you're taking a risk and a trust fall, but do you, can you access like how there might be like some little nugget of relief if you take this jump?Ā
And one of my clients so beautifully the other day was like, well, I, if I never like jumped into the pool, I would have never learned how to swim as a little kid. And I was like, yes, that's exactly what it is. It's like, if you never, if you never give yourself the chance to practice intuitive eating, you will never become an intuitive eater. And it might feel like you're doggy paddling at first. And you know, you might need someone like me to, you know, be your parents that are at the end of the pool, like swim to me, come on, you got it. And you might need that support, but you'll get there just like you did when you were learning to swim. Yeah.
So let's transition out of our listener questions. Thank you so much for those. And we're just gonna keep it real for our last 10, 15 minutes and tell you about why we wanted to record this episode in particular. Like I said at the top of the episode, I do feel like body acceptance was like trendy for a second and like intuitive eating was like trendy for a second and now they're like dying down. And I'm gonna be totally honest. I feel like celebrities such as Lizzo that used to be body positive influencers are now kind of influencing people to diet again. And that's tough.
I support full body autonomy for every human being on this earth. And I will not pretend at all that I know what it's like to be Lizzo and that I know what's best for Lizzo or for any of the formerly body positive influences in the world that are now turning towards dieting. But what I will say is if you're someone who doesn't want to diet and you want to make peace with your body and you want to eat in a way that is sustainable, make no mistake, like Lizzo is dieting. Like she posted a what I eat in a day the other day. And she was like, I ate a lettuce wrap with chicken inside of it for lunch, like zero grams of carbs. And then I ate like a smoothie for like, really? Like it was like a very, very, very small amount of calories, not enough for someone to sustainably fuel themselves.Ā
Another thing I want you to remember is make no mistake, Lizzo's rich and she lives a very different lifestyle from, I'm gonna guess everyone listening to this podcast. Like she has resources abound. Like maybe you need to use your body and your mind and your energy in a completely different way than her. Maybe you're exposed to different types of stressors in your life. Like maybe you need to feel your body differently than this person who has made a lot of money doing what she's doing and probably lives in a very comfortable home. Like I think those are two things to remember if you're observing this transition.Ā
And another reason I was feeling inspired to record this episode is because we are experiencing a lot of dieting and body bashing among our friends. And I feel like that's really tough. And it's something that if you are experiencing it too, we see you in it and we want to reflect on our experiences with that and give you some tools and tips. So yeah, do you want to speak to either or both of those things, Nicole?
Nicole: Yeah, I... social media is really damaging. And I think that we all have to just when we're looking at social media, especially celebrities, you have to ground yourself in the fact that, like Caitie said, they're really fucking rich. They have all the resources in the world. Every single one of those people has a trainer, a personal chef, gets plastic surgery, all of these things. They don't naturally look like that. They are not normal people. So I just want you to remind yourself that constantly because we can so easily overlook that and that can really impact the way that you feel about your body. And you you really shouldn't compare in general, but comparing to people like that, especially it's just, there's no use. There's no comparison there.
Caitie: Yeah. Yeah. I found myself saying to one of my clients the other day, I was like, I feel like you're expecting yourself to do like Jennifer Lopez's wellness routine when you are working a nine to five in New York city at 27 years old and very limited resources. Like why, why are you expecting this of yourself? Like JLo gets up and goes to the gym for like four hours and has all this surgery and all these different supplements and things that cost a million dollars and childcare and like just unlimited resources. Why are we putting that expectation on ourselves? Yeah, go ahead.
Nicole: I could get so fired up about that, but you also have to remember that a lot of these people are lying to the public when they say they're not getting anything done. JLo being an example. On TV, she's always like, I have never gotten Botox. I have never done a diet. Yeah, fuck that. Yes, you have. You're a liar and you're lying to really impressionable people and it's really upsetting. And I don't think that celebrities understand the impact that they have most of the time. Like the Kardashians as well. They make me so angry. They're so, like people are so impressionable and they don't take the responsibility that they should take as public figures. So yeah, I need to stop there because I can just talk about that for an hour.
What was the other thing you were talking about? Oh, friends. Yeah, friends bashing bodies and diets. Yeah, I mean, it's really sad, but I feel like every time you and I go anywhere for dinner, especially, we're like, we'll be the only ones eating a full meal.
Caitie: Accurate.
Nicole: Or like, like we have plans. Are we getting food before? Because I don't know if anyone else is getting food before, but like we got to get food before. Like there's just a lot more like logistical planning because we care about fueling our bodies and value that a lot. And a lot of people don't.
Caitie: Yeah, we're like, co working with with a group of people and like, they'll go like five, 10 hours without a meal. And we're like, we actually ate two meals within this period that we also put together because that's normal.
Nicole: And people are like, wait, you're eating? Well, yeah, I am.
Caitie: Yeah, we had such a big breakfast though. Like just, just classic. I think it's important we acknowledge this. I mean, I, I also experienced this with my family and I also experienced this among acquaintances. I was at a social event here in Lisbon last week and I sat at a table just to kind of like scan the room to see like, who do I wanna vibe with? And I immediately overheard a conversation about fasting immediately, like between the two girls next to me and one of them was like, yeah, so I just usually like, I don't eat for like three days and it just feels really good. The first day is really difficult, it's really difficult. Like the urges to eat are so strong and then you just get that buzz going. And I was like, holy shit, I need to keep doing my job. Yeah, your face right now.
Nicole: Well, I just think it's so interesting because I was reflecting on this a little bit before we started recording, I feel like when I was dieting, I was one, unhappy, and two, the most unhealthy I've ever been in my life. And now that I'm not, feel like I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life and the happiest I've ever been in my life. And I just, don't, I mean, I get why people diet, but what I can't understand is why people do it for so long to the point where they're just so miserable. Like that girl saying, the first day was so bad. She probably couldn't work that day. She probably felt like absolute trash. Why are you putting yourself through all this pain and suffering? Life is short.
Caitie: Yeah. Yeah. And to that point on another personal note, I will never forget the fact that my grandmother died believing she was fat. Like on her deathbed, she was concerned about the shape and size of her body. spent an entire lifetime pursuing weight loss. And I think it's so important to acknowledge that if you are someone who desires to step out of the dieting mentality, you might be the first person in your family lineage that's doing it. And so many of the people around us, so many of the friends you have that are not eating on the trips that you're taking with them or the coworking sessions you're having with them or the people you overhear that are talking about three day fasts, like they are a victim of the circumstances and they may not have had anyone ever tell them that it was an option to not pursue weight loss, that it was an option to not keep trying rigid diet after rigid diet.Ā
And so with utmost compassion, I want to say that it's nobody's fault. And when Nicole and I come at this with our spicy little venti anger that we have right now, we aren't really angry at the people as much as we're angry at the systems that continue to reinforce this behavior and continue to reinforce the distraction of dieting. That's what it is, right? It's a full on distraction. When I'm hanging out with friends for more than a few days, like I take a trip with a group of girls or something, it's only a matter of 24 hours before someone brings up, my face looks puffy. I'm so bloated. And it's tough.
Nicole: When I think of my friends, I'm not thinking about what they look like. I could care less what they look like. I care about who they are. I care about how they make me feel. I care about our relationship. And when you're on, for example, like a big trip, who wants to be talking about dieting and your insecurities? You want to be making memories and having a great time with people and experiencing life. And I feel like you just can't experience life to the fullest when you are thinking about your body and thinking about dieting. That's not to say those thoughts never come up, but it's just sad that they can ruin an experience.
Caitie: But let's land on this, right? So you might be in the same situation as Nicole and I, where you are constantly hearing your friends, your family members, rando people at networking events, talking negatively about their bodies and talking about how, like, I just, I could pull so many quotes. I remember like my cousin at the end of last Christmas said that he just like announced to the family, he was like, well, I'm not going to eat anything but vegetables and baked chicken for the next two months. Here we go. Like just random comments like that, right? I don't know why that just came up for me, but what do we do? What can we do to deal with these things? Because it's not going away anytime soon because of how strong the generational cycles I was just describing are, because of the celebrity influences that I was just describing are still present and because people are desperate for thinness in a world that is very thin centric and fat phobic, like what do we do? What do you think?
Nicole: My personal approach has been to just kind of stay in my lane. And by that I mean eating the way I want to eat, not talking about my body in a negative way around other people. And by doing that, it's like leading by example. Like when you show people what you're doing versus like trying to convince them, I think that that can sometimes be more impactful than like arguing about this topic. And it's almost what I was saying before, this, I hate the word selfish, but I guess like the self-prioritization of it, people can really feel that and see that in a positive way.
And I've had friends before say to me, you never talk about your body ever. You never talk about dieting. You never make comments about food. And that's just so inspiring to me. And yeah, I just, I firmly think that continuing to follow my own path with that is going to impact other people as well.
Caitie: Hmm. My opinion is that we need to let all feelings be felt and processed, right? So when someone makes a comment, and I'm going to just give an example. Someone said to me, we were getting ready to go out. And someone said to me, Caitie, your jawline is snatched. How do you get such a nice jawline like that? First of all, no one's ever said that to me ever. I don't think my jawline is the most prominent feature of my face, but it's what she said. It's what she was noticing in the moment. Okay. That was obviously a very body centric comment. And she was like, I just feel like my face is so puffy and blah, blah, blah. Like had a lot to say about that. And I think there's two feelings that came up for me in that moment.Ā
First was anger that this person was so obsessed with the shape and size of her face and feeling just so down on herself about it that she was like inspecting my jawline, like that that was something that she would even like think to do. That must've been something that she's really dealing with. felt anger about that. And I also felt sadness about that. And I wanted to show her love and compassion. And the way I responded in that moment was, I was like, I've never done anything to try to change the shape or size of my face. And it's not really something that I pay attention to. Like 30 seconds after that, I tried to compliment her on something that was just completely unrelated. I said something along the lines of like, you're always like, you always have the best energy and you're always like making everyone feel so good about themselves. It's really nice.Ā
And I guess what I'm saying is we need to let ourselves process the anger around this. So we need to find outlets for that anger to like be ventilated. And it's okay if you get mad at the person sometimes, especially if you've set boundaries with them and they're not like honoring them. Like we need a resource to ventilate that anger. But then we also need to shower some of that sadness with a little bit of love and compassion towards ourselves and then towards the person. That's what I think.Ā
And it'll never be perfect. It's gonna be messy. It's gonna be muddy. It's gonna be clunky. It's gonna be awkward moments. But I think the best we can do is continue to find places to ventilate the anger at the system and maybe the anger at the person. Again, if it's like mom who you've spoken to about this like 95,000 times and she's still making comments about how you should be eating a salad or whatever it is, then yeah, you can be angry at the person, but find an outlet to vent that, but then find an outlet also to sort of yeah, feel empathy and compassion for that person because they must be really struggling to be so obsessed with your food or your body or their body or whatever it is they're saying.Ā
And shower them in love in a way that isn't related to their body. I can't stress this enough. Don't say, you're so beautiful though. You're so skinny. Like you're not, what are you talking about? Like you look great. Like literally don't do it right after and build them up in a different way. I don't know. What do you think about that as we're wrapping up?
Nicole: Yeah, I actually wanted to comment on that. think that that is such a great thing to normalize is commenting on people's energy and their essence. Because I feel like when I don't see people for a while, the first thing they say is either like my family always says this. They're like, you look like you lost weight. Your hair is longer. What's going on with this? And I'm like, OK, like, why can't it be like you look really happy? You look really radiant. You look like your energy is amazing, like things like that that have to do with the what you bring to a situation versus the physical appearances. I think doing that is just such a beautiful thing and not having to wait for an opportunity to do it as well. Like just doing it randomly, like you can even just send a friend like a little appreciation text, audio note. Like I think that that's such a beautiful way to shift the focus away from bodies.
Caitie: Yeah. Yeah. And keep pouring into yourself and what you know you need to have your most authentic energy and your strongest body and your best digestion and whatever it is you think you need. And remember it truly how much headspace is freed up when you don't have to think about this stuff anymore. And so if you get to a point where you feel like you're kind of needing to do what we're describing a little bit too much. Like you are constantly hanging out with people who are just like all the time making comments about their bodies or never eating. And you feel like you're getting to a point where managing the dieting behaviors of your friends is occupying the head space that your own dieting behaviors used to occupy. It's time to set boundaries with those people. It's time to set boundaries with those friends.Ā
And like Nicole said, maybe you're eating a few more meals alone or you're going to the event after the food or whatever it is because at the end of the day, this does also come down to like values. And Nicole and I really, really value health and wellbeing and aliveness and adventure. And we know that dieting and obsessing over our bodies is incompatible with that.Ā
And yeah, I would say, I guess the last thing I want to say is that it also can feel really hard when people are judging you for not dieting. And this happens to me a lot in some circles that I've run in before people kind of judge me for not being obsessed with supplements or being obsessed with working out or being obsessed with health. Like truly you can feel when people are judging you for that. Honestly, the people who place those judgments on me, I try to remember that they're judging themselves 10 times harder for something else. And so I will take the dart of their judgment and remember that that's a little bit the Lord's work to be people that are out there not dieting and not obsessing over their bodies and I will take your judgment if it means that I get to be myself and I get to be in my natural body. Yeah. Do you feel what I'm saying?
Nicole: Yeah, definitely. Like them making a comment is a judgment on them, not a judgment on you, truly. And I think something else that I just want to underscore again is that prioritizing yourself. Like people will maybe try to make you feel like it is selfish and it's just not. It will end up helping them at some point, but just keep going the course even though it can be difficult and just get the support you need because you don't have to be a slave to the diet.
Caitie: Yeah. I'm going to actually end this episode with a permission slip that I wrote recently for someone who's afraid to be selfish. And yeah, we'll wrap up this episode on this note. So here's a permission slip for you if you're afraid to be selfish. It's a permission slip from you for you.
I give myself permission to practice real self care. Self care means giving myself what I need to be my favorite version of myself. The version that can be generous and creative and present. The person that can laugh and relax and notice beautiful things. I remember that kindness is my natural state when I stay nourished. It is safe for me to take care of myself. It is okay to trust my own intentions. I don't have to suffer to serve others. I don't have to suffer to impress others. I love them and I love me. Anything you want to say as we're wrapping up?
Nicole: I just want people to know it's possible for them. Because I think sometimes when you're really in the throes of something, like you can look at people like us right now and be like, so annoying. They're like, I'm not going to be happy until I reach this point. But just be open to giving it a try and see what happens, because I feel like life is so beautiful on the other side of dieting and the pursuit of weight loss or a specific body, like genuinely, truly.
Caitie: Yeah. Yeah. And also like this whole podcast is about how you don't have to reach a certain point to be happy. So we're here for you as you are learning to be happy along the journey of letting go of the dieting mentality. You can decide to drop the pursuit of weight loss tomorrow and start working on the pursuit of health tomorrow. And you might have a lot of messy moments throughout your day, but you can also really some of the happiest moments of your life, tomorrow. It's not so all or nothing and it's not a destination. It truly is like, how can I feel good while I'm aiming to get to this place? While I'm aiming for health, while I'm aiming for self care.Ā
All right. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five star rating on Apple or Spotify or wherever you tuned in. And we thank you so much for being here for this conversation. And we want to hear if you have any more questions or thoughts or feedback. I think that's all. Go take care of yourself. Take some deep breaths and we'll be back here next week.
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